Send email to: ImaCallYouJosh at
OffTargetOnTheJosh dot com
7/17/08
Whoa. I haven't touched this site in ages. Big things have been going on on YouTube though,
so go look at that: http://www.YouTube.com/CurtainGuy
That's where I've been doing most of my stuff for the past year.
My mistake.. it turns out Dan really DID try to call his Dad
and explain that night; his Dad's cell just wasn't on him
at the time. Kudos to him for trying to help me out. And I'm
sure it would have been way too awkward to say anything in
the car while I was right there. Dan is really not a Tibetan
monk after all.
11/26/07
So a bunch of interesting things happened this Thanksgiving
break that I think are worth writing about.
There was a little get-together going on in the city for all
my old roommates and a few close friends from college. I decided
I'd go together with my roommates, so I drove to Garden City
in Long Island, left my car on the street next to my friend's
house. Due to some misunderstanding of when our train to the
city leaves, we realized we might miss it if we didn't hurry.
So my roommate, Marathon Runner Mike, decides to sprint the
entire fucking way there. He also forgets that I have asthma
and that I really can't be dashing around in the freezing
cold. So Mike's yelling at me in the distance to stop being
so slow, while I'm clutching at my chest, gasping for air..
Little known fact- Mike is secretly a Kenyan marathon
runner.
Maybe if Marathon Mike stopped running like a madman for 2
seconds he would have realized we could have driven to the
train station, parked on a side street, and walked about 30
seconds to get there. HAHAHA... silly Mike.
When we arrived at the city I could finally breathe again,
which was nice. We went to this cool little bar called House
of Brew, and actually had a pretty awesome time. Buuut no
one wants to hear about that, let's get to the good stuff-
At around midnight, Mike and a couple of other friends leave
pretty suddenly. Twenty minutes later I get a call from him
warning me that if my car is parked on his street past 2AM,
it can get ticketed or towed. I check the train schedules,
and the next train doesn't arrive in Garden city 'til about
2:30 in the morning. Uh oh.
Thankfully my roommate Dan came up with a good idea- I could
take the train home with him to Little Neck which arrived
much earlier, and his Dad, who was picking him up anyway,
could just drop me in Garden City. No sweat!
Now, a little background info before the next part of the
story: I love Dan and all, but he has this tendency to not
speak up in certain situations. He'll either keep quiet or
let someone else do the talking.
As we're waiting for the train, I asked Dan if he explained
the situation to his dad. Namely, that Mike messed up and
that's why I need this last-minute ride to Long Island. Dan
says he didn't really give all the details. I insisted that
he explain so I don't look like some irresponsible punk who
lost track of time and is taking advantage of other people
for his own fuckups. Not to mention I'm sure Dan's Dad isn't
exactly thrilled to be up at 2 to pick him up, let alone drive
his idiot friend all the way to Long Island. Dan says he will
explain in the car.
On the train ride home, Dan became a monk and swore
an oath of silence.
When we actually did get in the car.. Dan didn't say a word,
like I had feared. It was a very long, uncomfortably quiet,
awkward car ride. Dan's Dad barely said a word, even when
I thanked him.. which given the circumstances I kind of understand.
I'd be livid if I was up that late and had to play taxi cab
for my kid's seemingly irresponsible friend.
Luckily we got there before my car was towed. But as I'm driving
home, I'm about to change lanes and I notice my driver's side
mirror is all smashed up. How the hell does that happen on
a big empty road in a classy neighborhood in Long Island!?
Was some drunk bitch running around kicking in mirrors that
night? Maybe Marathon Mike was sprinting home in a drunken
stupor and ran right into my mirror. Who the hell knows.
7/6/07
If you don't know me or you're new to this site, this is something
I've had since I was in highschool. There's a lot of random
crap all over the place; some inside jokes, and some stuff
that anyone might find amusing.
A lot has been going on in the past few months, but that's
a story for another time. Jim and I stumbled upon a video
from a YouTube user with a strange affinity for balloons.
Allow me to introduce you to Billoon45- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRuxCs-Ojno.
Jim has been getting pretty good at video editing lately,
and he figured that would be a good video to experiment with.
We had some fun with it:
It was really just an experiment with Premeire we didn't expect
it to be perfect. I'm already anticipating YouTube comments
like "swallow a knife!" or "whoooore!!"
I always got a kick out of those anyway.
I just had the following conversation with my roommate:
"Josh, you really need to take some of your old food
out of the fridge. Like this chicken... is this your chicken?"
"What? No, I haven't made chicken in months."
(long pause)
"Dear god... That's my chicken isn't it."
Cleaning my fridge could totally be a new event on fear factor.
After diving out of a flaming car careening off a cliff and
eating monkey poop, you'd have to throw out that tuna salad
I made last winter.
3/13/07
Some dude just came into the helpdesk for a problem with his
laptop, so I made him fill out our little form saying he won't
sue if we break his computer. Anyway, I had to record his
name later, and on the line where it says "Print Your
Name Legibly", he signed his name, very illegibly.
So I thought, damn, if this his idea of printing his
name legibly, what the hell does his signature look like?
I glanced down the page and on the signature line it looks
like he drew a dish with decorative fruits on it, or maybe
a dude riding a horse. It reminds me of one of those inkblots...
everyone sees something different. Apparently I think a lot
about... home decor and rugged western men.
I can't put the guy's actual signature on here, so
I'll recreate it as accurately as possible:
1/17/07
From YouTube? The sheet music you're looking for
is here.
Apparently there is/was some major spamming going
on on YouTube; I think they took my responses to the people
who requested sheet music as spam, and they were never sent.
I had a good amount of free time this break so I
was able to finish a feature with my friend Aaron, as well
as update a few other things. There're a couple of new IM
logs... and I finished writing some sheet music for a bunch
of people on YouTube who have been requesting it.
Did anyone else see James Brown's funeral on the news earlier
this week? Holy crap what a ROCKIN' funeral! There was some
soul singer totally jamming out, people were up dancing and
clapping, MC hammer was there (seriously, I think he's a reverend
now)... and right in the middle of it all was an open coffin
containing James Brown's corpse! Holy crap! That's totally
how my funeral's gonna be. Man, it'll be so bitching my friends
are gonna wanna kill me right now. Live music, open bar, maybe
a comedian or some acrobats... people will be DYING to go!!
Hahahahaha!!!
You know, it's so hard to come up with things to
say these days. I have a lot to talk about, but nine out of
ten times it's something I shouldn't be putting online. I
always hated when people put really personal things or gossip
about other people on their public website. There've
been a few times in the past where I would check out a friend's/ex's
livejournal or xanga to find entire Anti-Josh entries. It's
especially bad when they don't even talk to you about it first.
And any time you think "nah they probably won't see it"...
they will. It could be your ex, your little sister, or your
amish grandma; against all odds, they will find a way on the
internet and they will see all the horrible things you've
been saying. Then they'll go ahead and put a vague reference
to it in their away message, and you'll be all like, "hey
is grandma talking about ME?". But she'll just be like
"no lol I was talking about Stoltzfus"... but you
know it has to be about you. So you keep asking, and eventually
she's just like "lol i g2g build a barn", she signs
off, the issue is never resolved, and things are awkward for
the next month.
I had my first Black Friday experience this break. Because
I live in a bubble, I wasn't really sure what to expect. A
couple of friends told me all the good deals are only in the
morning, and to get up at 5AM the latest. I decided I just
wouldn't sleep, since I'd only be getting about half an hour
of rest anyway. My dad saw me up in the morning and said I
was "crazy" and only "crazy people will be
shopping this early". Well apparently the entire population
of Earth is crazy because it was complete insanity in every
store I went to. A friend of mine told me she saw some guy
who got nailed in the leg by a car at around 5:45, and an
ambulance had to take him away. Man, I'd be pretty pissed
if I got up that early to buy all the cool crap on sale and
got hit by a car. I hope the hospital was doing some kinda
Black-Friday emergency medical response earlybird special.
After thanksgiving I noticed we had a leftover bottle of unopened
apple cider. I was pouring some to drink when my brother warned
me that it was only supposed to be used for cooking and marinating
turkeys or something. My brother likes to just.. make shit
up sometimes, so I ignored him and started drinking. I thought
"Wow, this is REALLY sweet..." and I drank a little
more. I started feeling kinda queasy, so I stopped, looked
at the bottle and realized my brother wasn't lying. It was
some kind of ultra-concentrated mix that's used for cooking
and to make cider when you add a LOT of water. I think I drank
the equivalent of about ten cups of apple cider. Gross.
Lately I've had some pretty bad writer's block. I'm not sure
what to talk about. I can't think of any ridiculous, wacky
Josh-stories so I'll just say what's been up the past month.
I'm still going through a quarter-life crisis and have no
idea what to do after college. I also have a terrible case
of senioritis. It's like my highschool senioritis never went
away, and now I have double-senioritis.
What else.. we recently had a huge thanksgiving dinner. Half
the people coming cancelled so I've been eating leftover turkey
for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire week. I also
started taking up guitar.. guitar HERO that is, which is totally
just as cool as real guitar. Real guitar is basically the
same thing when you remove all the strings, put buttons on
it, and hook it up to a Playstation. I'm getting kind of bored
with it, but my friends are hooked. There's someone in my
apartment playing it pretty much all the time.. even as I
type this. I also got a Nintendo Wiiiiii... that I have absolutely
no time to play. That reminds me.. I always see this guy through
the window of a neighboring building jumping around waving
his remote control at the TV. I'm pretty sure he has a Wii
too. Either that or he gets REALLY into television. I kind
of want to walk outside his window with my wiimote and join
him in whatever he's playing. I'm not sure if he would be
really amused, or just call the police.
I updated a few things around the site, so go ahead and look
around. I'll try to think of something more exciting to talk
about next time.
10/12/06
Just noticed that a few days ago someone found my
site by searching for "Women Pissing Backwards"
on google... Well, whoever you are, you've come to the right
place! Enjoy!!
9/29/06
-Added that thing over there on the right --->
-Leave me some feedback!
I've made a new cooking discovery! Rosemary tastes good on
EVERYTHING. You can't go wrong. Put it on your vegetables,
chicken, ice cream... For breakfast, you can put some on your
bagel. Sometimes, when I don't have any more bagels, I put
it in my Fruit Loops. You can even use it in your day-to-day
routine. If you run out of bath soap... rosemary. If you still
have soap... rosemary. Oh and those scents on dryer sheets..
"Mountain Spring"? "Cottage Garden"? "Forest
Tundra"!? Lame. ROSEMARY is where it's at. Well actually
last time, a little got inside my dryer and set my clothes
on fire... but with a hint of rosemary, it smelled great!
9/21/06
Some action-shots of me at the helpdesk with our
new uniform:
All the spam mails I've been getting have flooded my inbox
so hopelessly that I can't even log in to my site's email
anymore. I've changed my site's address to the one up there,
and I typed it like that so it doesn't get picked up by spammers.
Sorry if you've emailed me using the old address in the past
couple of months; I probably didn't see it.
We have a new uniform requirement at the helpdesk this year. If
we're wearing a t-shirt with any kind of picture or logo on it,
we have to wear a helpdesk apron. Yes, we have helpdesk APRONS
now. APRONS. You know, so we don't get.. computer on us. I'll
make as many lame cooking references as I can when I have to wear
it. "I need a dash of help over here Matt... this girl's
computer isn't booting into Windows. I let it sit for a good twenty
minutes and it's still not ready. She thinks she has a smidgen
of spyware.. but I don't know, maybe her harddrive's fried."
I should start asking customers if they want fries with their
wireless access, or I could put on some oven mitts and start handing
out antivirus CDs on a little baking tray.
I've been on youtube a lot this summer, and the comments
people leave on videos piss me off to no end. There was one
movie where some girl was rapping about something funny she
saw on youtube; silly and harmless. Then I look at the comments...
I think at least 300 people called her a whore... a few people
told her to "swallow a knife"... and one person
told her she was insulting the entire black community by rapping.
I mean, I know there are idiots everywhere you go, but the
sheer magnitude of cockmongers on the internet is fucking
astonishing. It's impossible to fight them all, but from time
to time I'll see some pretty witty comebacks. Here's a few
from a guy who posted a video of him playing a jazzy version
of moonlight sonata (although these comments pretty harmless
compared to the crap I've seen):
lovemyspace (2 days ago)
This is just playing chords with both hands alternating with
the simple rhythm like at the start and kinda just punctuating
all other notes (triplets in right hand).
vampiresoup (2 days ago)
Is it? Wow.
Aerthe (2 days ago)
I've got to agree, there's no spark to this. You could do
the same thing with ave maria. Pieces like this are not supposed
to be played in 'jazz' as you called it. Try something a little
challenging.
vampiresoup (2 days ago)
Thanks for the suggestion! Next time Ill try gluing the piano
to the ceiling while playing the Well Temperd Clavier backwards.
Okay, here's the deal.
Josh is on vacation. He has temporarily passed the proverbial
baton to me to update his page while he is gone. I had some
really crappy update ideas.. and some ideas that would probably
tick him off (replacing the current site with a somewhat......
pornographic one). Now don't expect a "wacky story" or witty
banter. I am here to be serious.
Actually, no, no I am
not. I am here to unveil a new addition to OffTargetOnTheJosh.com!
A really crappy, yet, somewhat entertaining PC game based
on this amazing page. Want a description? Well, write down
the three best games you ever played on a piece of paper...
then crumple it up and set it on fire. This game is nothing
like any of them because they were probably good.
What do we have for you
today? It's not the whole game....of course not, you'll have
to pay for that: 1 baby-soul U.S., (6 baby-souls for you Canadian
readers) It's a sort of Alpha or Beta version game. With it
you'll get a taste of how EXTREME this crazy game really is!
So, you're asking yourself
"Why would I play this, I don't like Video Games?"
Even if you don't like
playing Video Games think of this: "Hey, I can finally get
Josh to jump down a chasm into a pit of spikes!!" It's everyone's
dream come true. So, basically, there is no reason what-so-ever
for you to not download this game... unless you have a Mac.
Give it a try:
Oh... and what is a game
without some sort of advertisement. Don't expect to see this
in a magazine somewhere, this is straight off the press right
into your face!
Wow, I went all of July without updating, I guess it's time to put
something here. It's just tough to come up with things to write
about in the summer.. not a lot happens. It's hard to write a wacky
story about doing laundry or taking a shower... although now that
I think about it, I've doneboth of those things on the
site. So, the last couple of months, where to start?
Summer '06
I went hiking again in Massachusetts and decided to actually jump
into the falls this time...
The water was a little colder than I expected.
I've also been getting really good at cooking; it's not as hard
as I thought it'd be.
Oh, and I'm sure all of you have seen Pirates 2 by now. I went
with a bunch of friends to the first showing at midnight. They
all dressed up in their best pirate outfits. I didn't have a pirate
costume.. but I didn't want to feel left out, so dressed up as
Darth Vader. The best part is- pretty much no one came in costume.
Imagine hundreds of kids waiting in line at the movies... then
six pirates and Darth Vader come along and get behind them. Unfortunately,
you're all going to have to take my word for this because the
only kid with a picture deleted it before sending it to anyone.
I'm still working in the Child Psychology Lab here in Albany... and
my friends still think it sounds incredibly sketchy. I just don't
get it, how many times do I have explain this!?
All I do is put children in a small room and give them snacks and
toys to play with...
Then, I video tape them from behind a one-way mirror...
....and spend several hours later watching the tapes.
Glad I could clear that up.
So when I'm not watching tapes of little kids, cooking, or dressing
up as the wrong characters for movies, my roommates and I will find
other ways to entertain ourselves:
Now that I think about it, this summer hasn't been too eventless after
all. In fact, this has been one of my most productive summers yet;
spent entirely doing important, ground-breaking, vigorous, action-packed...
stuffs.
Well I'm finally back upstate in my brand new apartment. I will
never live in another dorm again after this, I love this place.
It's like I don't live in SUNY Albany anymore... I look outside
and instead of a barren wasteland of concrete I see TREES and GRASS.
We have air conditioning so I no longer have to sleep surrounded
by six fans. We have more than one sink now so my three roommates
and I no longer have to hover around one tiny sink waiting for our
turn to spit or wash our hands.
So, some things from the past week worth mentioning:
I've been learning how to cook, which is going okay but I'm still
having some trouble with a few things. My Mom tried to teach me
a few recipes before I came up here.. I don't know how she does
it, she can cook like six things at once with perfect precision.
When I try to crack open an egg it explodes in my hand and little
bits of eggshell stab me in the eye. When I try to split spaghetti
in half to toss in a pot, shards of pasta will fly through the air,
rain down on me and poke me in my eggshell wounds.
On my second day in Albany I took a little trip to Bash Bish
falls in Massachusetts with my friend Mandy and her friends,
which was a blast. I thought I had been hiking before but holy
crap was I wrong. I figured we'd all just frolick through the
woods, maybe skip over a few stones.. well it WAS like that,
for about five seconds. We had to climb like 45 hills that seemingly
had no end and jump over slippery jagged rocks... Mandy is a
pretty seasoned hiker so she was hopping over rocks like some
kind of winged monkey... and walking up mountains sideways and
shit. She says the way I describe her hiking makes her sound
like superwoman or something. To be fair, I guess I am exaggerating
a little.
So later on the trail we climbed over one of those "do not
cross" fences, and I was like "I dunno if this is such a good
idea guys." Then this crazed grizzly bear popped out from behind
a tree and started charging at us!! They say when you run into
a bear in the woods, you're supposed to play dead... but Mandy
wasn't having that! Just as the bear was about to claw my face
off, she shoved me out of the way and headbutted the bear right
in the FACE! As the bear was howling in pain, Mandy reached
down its throat with her hand and tore out its beating heart!!
Then, with her arms extended towards the sky, she soared away
into the sunset. I guess I still have a lot to learn about hiking.
5/17/06
I was taking a look at my hits and noticed that someone from Dakar,
Singapore entered into a search engine "half naked women pissing
into a cup" and found my site. I'm sure they were not disappointed.
5/9/06
-Put a little "first time here" thing up there ^^^
I've been especially annoyed with reslife this past semester. Every
time we have to go home for a vacation, they'll close the dorms
and set a certain time for everyone to be out by. I go to school
three hours away from home so it's a pretty stressful drive, especially
when I have to go through New York City (I swear, the second you
enter NYC, every driver instantaneously becomes an asshole). I like
to take a short nap before the long drive, but reslife is determined
to make sure this never happens.
Okay, first off, I know when the fuck I'm supposed to leave. There
are signs all over my building saying "be out by 6:00".
The day we were supposed to leave for winter break, I got back to
my room at 3:00 and decided to take a short nap before I left. About
five minutes into my nap I was woken by a pounding on my door. I
hear loud yell: "RESLIFE! KEYING IN!", followed by the
footsteps of someone walking around in my commonroom. I shout through
my door "CAN I HELP YOU!?" and the RA says something like
"Just wanted to let you know, you have to be out by 6:00".
I yell back "THANK YOU I KNOW WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO LEAVE!"
About half an hour later I hear the same guy knocking on my door
again to tell me the same thing. He tells me that the RAs can't
leave until the students leave. I respond that the time I'm required
to leave by is 6:00, and I'll be gone before then. Seriously, if
the reslife staff wants to leave early, then why don't they make
the fucking time I'm required to leave earlier?
I get along pretty well with the RA on my side of the building,
so I thought she might understand my situation. When she came over
the night before spring break to remind my suite that we were supposed
to leave at 6:00, I told her that I usually get back from class/work
late in the afternoon and that I would be taking a nap before I
left. I also mentioned what happened last time I tried to do this.
The next day, at about 3:10, I was sitting in the crapper minding
my own business when I heard a pounding on my door. "RESLIFE!
RESLIFE!!! KEYING IN!!!"
The next thing I know I'm seated with my pants around my ankles
while an RA is wandering around my room. I start screaming from
the toilet "I'M IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM! GET THE HELL OUT OF
MY ROOM!!!" After I finished my business I stormed out into
the hallway and found my RA, along with another, pounding on doors
around the hall. I asked my RA why they keyed into my room after
the whole conversation I had with her the day before. She responds
"Well we can only leave when everyone else is gone." TOUGH
SHIT! I'm not going to change my schedule just for you, and I'm
sure no one else will. Stop harassing us and invading our privacy!
I'm sure you wouldn't like me busting into your room while you're
doing your business... "IT'S JOSH! I'M CLIMBING THROUGH YOUR
WINDOW!" Like I said before, if you want us out earlier, make
the time we have to leave earlier!
You know what, it's alright. I understand that you guys want to
get home early; you can key into my room. Just a friendly warning
though... sometimes after I take a shower I might forget my towel,
so I'll just walk out and air dry myself in the commonroom. It takes
awhile so sometimes I'll listen to some music while I'm waiting,
maybe dance around a little. So hey, if I just happen not to hear
anyone at the door, well... not my problem.
I'll update soon... Kingdom Hearts pretty much took over
my life during Spring Break, and now I have a lot of homework to
catch up on.. but keep checking back!
This past weekend I drove down to SUNY Purchase to surprise my friend
Anna for her birthday. Planning huge elaborate surprises is one
of my favorite things. It took me a while to figure out exactly
what I was going to do. Her friends at Purchase wanted to hide me
in her room in some random place and have me pop out and give her
a heart attack... but I thought that wasn't extreme enough. I was
considering waiting 'til she got back to her room, then giving her
a call:
"Anna!!! Oh my God.. I'm on a plane and.. one of the engines
blew out and we're crashing! I'm going to jump!!! AHHhHhh!!!"
Then I would come crashing through the plaster of her ceiling naked
and on fire, roll around on the ground for awhile, dust myself off,
and yell out "SURPRISE!!!!!" There wasn't enough room
in her dorm to roll around and extinguish the flames though, so
I had to pass.
What actually happened was I hid in a neighbor's room and waited
for Anna to get back to her dorm. Then I called her up, started
a normal conversation, and casually walked into her room while talking.
I stood right next to her for about three seconds... she looked
up... looked back down... looked up again... and screamed "WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?!??!?!?!?!" to which I replied, "Uh,
hang on I'm on the phone."
Also, there's a new feature
on the site I've been working on with my friends for the past
couple of weeks.
Recently Gillette came out with this new razor... the "Fusion".
You might have seen commercials for it before it was sold in stores-
they looked like they were coming attractions for some kind of intense
sci-fi action movie. It has FIVE blades and an extra "hidden"
blade on top. I think this thing is totally overkill.. they say
it causes less irritation but it rapes my face every time I use
it. Five blades wasn't enough for most people though, so a rival
company, Gillette (with three "l"s) took it to the next
level:
-My computer is going to be down for a little while, so that
means I won't be on AIM that much. If you need to get in touch,
try calling or emailing. I'll try to put a real update later in
the week, it's tough without my own computer. For now, I leave you
with this:
Here in Albany, we've had the past week off, but I haven't been
able to enjoy much of it. One of my professors assigned a 2000 word
essay due right after break... an essay on the HOLOCAUST. Who does
that?! If he was a kindergarten teacher, right before Christmas
he'd probably tell the kids there was no santa.. or that christmas
was cancelled because santa has to write a 2000 word paper on the
holocaust.
Even after I finish the paper, I still have more to do. I work in
a child psycholgy lab this semester, and I have to memorize a paragraph
for this experiment where we see how long a four year old can resist
eating a cookie for a prize. The paragraph starts out kind of like
"This is your snack, but I have some things to do with your
mom. I'd like you to wait to eat your snack until I get back."
I've been trying to practice on my friends, but they just keep laughing
every time I tell them I have something to do with their mom.
A lot of people seem to get offended when I tell them I work in
a child psych lab, like I must do terrible things to children. We
pretty much just let them play with toys and crap, it's not that
big a deal! It's not like we start an experiment with:
"Would you like chocolate chip or oreos?"
"Oreos!"
"Okay, that means you're gay. I'll go get your oreos."
I don't think many people understand that just because we have the
word "help" in helpdesk doesn't mean we help with everything...
we're the COMPUTING helpdesk. That means when you call us asking
us for directions or why there's no hot water in the dorms, we probably
won't be able to do much. I wish I could just call the helpdesk
for all my problems...
"Student Helpdesk, how can I help you?"
"They're out of soy milk in the dining hall again."
"Uhh..."
"Make sure you get the chocolate kind though, plain sucks."
"I'm going to transfer you to the vegan helpdesk."
"But I'm not veg-"
*click*
We really do get some strange freakin' calls. I bet people will
start calling us for emergencies too-
"Student Helpdesk, Josh speaki-"
"Yes, the helpdesk!! Thank God I got through!! I was on hold
for like five minutes! There's a FIRE!!! People are burning alive!!!"
"Sir!? You need to call the fir-"
"We're at the orphanage! The orphanage is ON FIRE!!!"
"Okay okay! Listen- you need to pick up a yellow service ticket
at the bookstore; it's going to be thirty dollars. Then we'll send
Norton over with a bottle of water from the vending machine... HURRY
THERE'S NO TIME!!!"
2/2/06
-Updated WWJD
(just a new picture).
-Updated the IM Logs. Our dining hall has this chocolate soy milk in little juice-style
boxes that they keep inside a fridge in the corner. It's almost
impossible to get one, because the second someone puts the boxes
in the fridge, all the health-nuts and vegans stampede towards the
fridge like wildebeests. I'm not a health-nut, vegan, or wildebeest
though, I just think it's delicious. So every night I go up to the
workers near the kitchen to tell them they're out of those little
soy milk boxes. Whenever I ask, nine out of ten times, they'll bring
out an extra container of plain, cardboard flavored soymilk, and
I have to say "No no no- the CHOCOLATE kind." They're
probably thinking "damn, this is one picky vegan."
So the other night, I go over to ask for more chocolate soy milk,
and the manager walks into the kitchen to go get some. I swear she
was in there for like ten minutes... how long does it take
to grab some soy milk!? Like are there catacombs back there that
they hide the soy milk in? Did she have to freaking milk the soy
cows??? She comes out, finally, and says "We're out of soy
milk".
At this point I'm surrounded by three dining hall workers, and they're
all telling me "Okay, what we're going to do is drive to another
quad and pick up soy milk from them, and we'll bring it over."
Meanwhile I'm like "Uhhhh.. you know.. I can just drink some
water, it's okay" but they insisted- "No no, it's okay,
we can get it for you. Where will you be sitting?" I told them
I wasn't sure, and hid in the back of the room. Everyone around
me must have been thinking "Holy shit this vegan kid REALLY
wants his soy milk. He is REALLY vegan." Another ten minutes
passed, and I saw the manager holding a pint of PLAIN soy milk.
She was walking around, saying something to all the workers. I could
almost read her lips- "Where'd that little vegan boy go!?"
I managed to get back to my room without her seeing me, but imagine
what would have happened if she found me? She would have poured
the soy milk right in front of me and been like "Here ya go!
C'mon, drink up little vegan boy!" And I'd either have to force
it down my throat, or tell her "Ehh actually I wanted the chocolate
kind. Can you drive back and get some?"
Almost every day of winter break I've had to open the freakin
door for my brother when he came back home from work. The man cannot
remember to bring his keys whenever he leaves the house. How hard
is it!? You pick them up from the table, and you put them in your
pocket.. or you can hang them around your neck, or fucking duct
tape them to your face.. I don't care just BRING THEM! And then
I always have to open the door at the most inconveniet times, like
when I'm sleeping, or in the shower, or I'm in college...
I've tried tons of ways to piss him off so he'll start remembering
them. Pretty much any time he gets back to the house, he has to
pee. Really badly. So sometimes when he rings the bell, before opening
the door I'll go eat a sandwich, play some piano, maybe update my
site (in fact, he's ringing the bell as I'm writing this). But then
if I don't open the door within 10 seconds he'll CALL ME. Once I
told him to go pee in the bushes, and then I'd open the door.. but
he just threatened to break the door down (and he probably could)
so I let him in.
I think the next time he rings the bell and calls me, I should bring
the phone into the bathroom, put it on speaker, yell out "What's
wrong? Do you need to do THIS!?" and I'll take a whiz; but
what if it turned out not to be my brother calling? What if it was
my Mom or something; man that'd be pretty awkward.
Well I'd better finish this entry before he calls me- oops,
too late. I'll just start typing... really.. slowly...
Oh by the way, don't forget to check the updates all around the
site, there's a lot of new stff! Whoops made a typo, let me start
over-
Oh by the way, don't forget to check the updates all around the
site, there's a lot of new stuff!
I hate the people who work in that sandwich place in the campus
center (the deli at outtakes); not all of them, just two in particular.
First there's that giant spanish guy who asks you what kind of bread
you want the second you walk in the store; you could be on a line
that stretches to the opposite corner of the store, and before you
can even begin to think about what you might want-
"HEY PAPI! PAPI!!! WHAT YOU WANT!?"
"Uhh.. I'll have a.. umm.. turkey with..."
"No! Which BREAD!!!"
You could be leaving your room on your way to the store- your phone
will ring, and when you pick it up it'll be him and he'll be like
"PAPI!!! WHAT BREAD YOU WANT!?" I guess one could argue
he's just trying to be really efficient. But there's this old black
lady who works there who recently has been pissing me off, and there's
no excuse for her.
Just the other day I was there getting a sandwich. I started telling
her what I wanted... "Can I get turkey, honey mustard..."
I look up and she's just staring at me; usually they make the sandwich
as people talk, so as to avoid forgetting what they asked for. I
continue- "two slices of muenster cheese.." and she's
still staring. I'm staring back. Finally she says "I'm listening"
and starts muttering to herself "Every day... every day."
So I tell her the rest of my order- She starts putting things on
the sandwich I didn't ask for like mayonaisse and american cheese,
and I correct her each time. As I'm doing this she's still muttering
angrily "Every day.. EVERY day."
I'm sorry sandwich lady, am I annoying you? All I want is a freakin'
sandwich on it with the things that I asked for. "Every day"?
"Every day" what? Every day you have to make a sandwich?
That is kind of your job. Every day some giant spanish guy asks
me what kind of bread I want before I walk in the store, but I don't
yell at him "EVERY DAY, PAPI! EVERY DAY!"
Oh, and when I wrote "old black lady" up there... that
means I actually really hate old black people; it wasn't for descriptive
purposes or anything.
My roommate Mike got a shirt from Aeropostale recently and he wore
it today. I took a look at it this morning and I notice a familiar
pattern on the shirt.. solid maroon and gold stripes. Take
a look.
I ask him "Is that a Harry Potter shirt??" and he's like
"What? No.." He got a shirt that looks like it's straight
out of Harry Potter and didn't even realize it, it's hilarious.
I've been following him around, whistling the Harry Potter theme
when people pass by... and I've been yelling out Harry Potter references
all day. I'll toss him something and be like.. WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!!!
My neighbor ran into the room earlier and yelled out "POTTER!
HERMIONE'S IN TROUBLE! A MOUNTAIN TROLL!!" Then he flipped
me off when he left the room this afternoon and I was like "I
SAY, POTTER! ONE-HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!!
Not too much to say here this time.. but go look at the
new updates, and check out the 11/8 entry if you haven't yet!I'm planning on adding some more pictures to WWJD
when I get a little more free time.
11/8/05
It's a long entry this time so grab a seat and get comfortable:
Okay this took place last Thursday. It was the afternoon, and the
day was pretty normal so far.. I decided to take a little nap. I
wake up and everything goes wrong. I look at my clock and see I'm
late for my Abnormal Psych class, so I grab my bookbag and bolt
out of the room. I get to my class, open the door, and.. there's
a TEST going on!? What!? One of the TAs in the room comes up to
me at the door and asks "Can I help you?" I'm just standing
there, speechless. I finally manage to get out "Is this.. Abnormal
Psych?" and he says that it's IST 338 or something strange
like that; so I'm like "uhh I must be in the wrong place"
and I walk out of the room with him staring at me like I'm crazy..
I mean, you'd think I'd know when and where my classes were 3/4ths
through the semester.
So I go to check my syllabus to see if maybe class was cancelled;
I open my bookbag- and my notebook is gone! My notebook that I use
for EVERY CLASS and have ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS IN is gone. So now I'm
running back to my room to see if maybe I dropped it there. On the
way, I look at the time on my cellphone and see that I was actually
40 minutes early for class.. turns out I forgot to set the clock
in my bedroom back an hour. I guess I managed not to look at my
clock for an entire week.
I finally arrive back at my dorm and start digging around for my
notebook while swearing at myself under my breath. All this running
around was making me very warm so I decided to change into a t-shirt.
I go to my closet and half of my t-shirts are gone!? What the hell?!
I couldn't have left them in the laundry room.. no way. I mean,
I did laundry like FOUR DAYS AGO.
So I go down to the laundry room.. and sure enough, sitting on top
of one of the washers is a pile of soggy, gross t-shirts. At this
point I seriously thought I was losing my mind. How could so much
crap be going wrong in like half an hour? I climbed back upstairs
to get some detergent, tossed the clothes back in the wash, and
ran outside to backtrack my steps and find my notebook. After searching
all over campus I figured it must be in one of the Lecture Centers
I was at the day before. There was a class in the room at the time
so I couldn't just march in and start looking around.
I sat down outside for a couple of minutes to like.. try to make
sure I'm not going insane. I look at the time and (Dad, you can
stop reading at this point) see that I'm FORTY MINUTES LATE TO CLASS-
for real this time. How ironic. I walk into class, which is a giant
lecture center.. and of course the only available seat I see is
way up in front. So I cross the entire classroom, sit down, open
my bookbag and take out- nothing, because I don't have my notebook
remember? Imagine some kid comes into your class forty minutes late,
sits down in the front row and just watches the lecture.
Wow, I think that was the longest entry I've ever written on the
site. I feel like it needs some kind of epilogue....
Josh Isaacson found his notebook in the top row of LC-21. They
are now happily married with three children in Guilderland, NY.
Josh's laundry was forgotten again in the washer. It remains there
to this day.
Josh's clock felt Josh wasn't giving it the attention it deserved.
It moved back with its family in Ikea, but soon ran away with a
sundial to Lancaster, PA.
Josh's Dad disowned him when he found out he was 40 minutes late
to a class.
Peter Parker decided to end his relationship with Mary Jane.
Spiderman will always have enemies.
I've lived with my suitemate Mike for years now, and I love messing
with him. It's just so easy. About a week or so ago, he was in the
shower.. (we have a separate shower room). I opened the door a crack
and yelled in: "HEY MAN HOW'S IT GOING". Because of the
echo in the shower it sounded like I was right there next to him..
so he just screams "WHOoOAAaA!!!". It was hilarious..
so today I did something similar. He had just walked into
the shower.. and I knew he was probably still changing outside the
curtain. So I casually said "Hey Mike what's up" and scratched
the door to make it sound as if I was opening it. Mike screams "NO
DON'T! I'M OUTSIDE THE CURTAIN!!!" and I just laugh..
But then my roommate Dan comes over, and he didn't hear the part
where Mike screamed that he was outside the curtain. So he's in
the process of opening the door to do the same thing I did the first
time.. He gets it open a tiny crack, and I hear Mike shriek.. I'm
like DAN NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! and I dive at the door to slam it shut
before any damage can be done. I was half tempted to just let Dan
open the door. I can just imagine it.. he would have been in the
process of saying HEY MIKE HOW'S IT- and Mike would have screamed
like a woman.
On a side note, I finally changed my screen name after about eight
years. I swear it took me all night to come up with one; as my friend
Huntley says, it's like naming a baby.. a baby that talks online.
I was eating at a chinese buffet on a very cold, rainy night in
Albany, and we all got our fortune cookies. I think they must have
been a couple of weeks old because my fortune was "The weather
is wonderful." Fortune cookies are lame.. although it is a
lot of fun adding "IN BED" to the end of your fortunes.
Especially when you get ones like "Small pleasures await you"
or "Your greatest fortune is the friends and family you have."
I want fortunes that apply more to me.. like.. "An admirer is
too shy to talk to you. Poke them on facebook first." Or maybe
"An important person will offer you support. But you forgot an
away message." Oh and those "Learn Chinese" things
on the fortunes.. they should change that to "Learn a small fraction
of Chinese" because they only tell you ONE word every time. It'd
be great if there was a Chinese language class where they just made
you eat thousands of fortune cookies. Can you imagine what a study
group would be like?
"I need the word for Oyster! Does anyone have the word for
Oyster!?"
"We need more cookies!"
"I.. I can't eat any more cookies.. please.."
"Wait wait, check out my fortune guys! 'Small pleasures await
you'... IN BED! Ha ha ha!"
"Fred you've got that fortune like six-hundred times. It's
not funny anymore."
"Guys, I found Oyster!! Wait... small pleasures await
you.. ohh, ha ha, I just got it.
My entire life I've been really slow. I don't mean slow as in dumb,
I mean slow as in.. I move slowly. I was always the last person
to get dressed in the locker room, the last person to pack my bags
at the end of the schoolday, the last person at the dinner table
and so on and so on. One of my roommates decided to make a facebook
group "Josh Is Slow". The description gave me a good laugh:
"Going to lunch with Josh? Maybe you'll make it in time for
dinner. This group is for everyone who who has been late because
of the slowest person in Albany, Joshua Isaacson."
To celebrate all the birthdays in October, I added a special
little home video clip in the movies section.
Don't forget to look at all the updates all over the site!
So my suitemate Steve hates horror movies and will NEVER see a movie
that looks even remotely scary with me- but since I'm such a nice
guy I see this movie that he's been begging us to see with him for
like the past month; The Transporter 2. Steve loves any movie with
nice cars or insane car-chases. He had to change his pants like
four times during this movie. It's labeled as an action movie...
but I think it was really supposed to be a comedy. There was this
one scene where "the transporter" used a fire-hose to
hit like freakin EIGHTEEN GUYS in the nuts in THIRTY SECONDS; The
whole movie he was just hitting people in the nuts in really creative
ways. There was the firehose, sometimes he'd throw or karate-kick
random objects into nuts. He maybe headbutted someone in the nuts..
and I think he threw someone's nuts at someone else's nuts... I
swear "The Transporter" must have secretly learned to
fight in a women's self defense class.
Also worthy of mention is the preview for 50 Cent's new movie: Get
Rich or Die Trying. It's a movie about how 50 Cent was a gangster
and got shot- but then he lived, and the near-death experience made
him an inspirational rapper. For example, the accident inspired
such motivational lyrics as "I'll take you to the candy shop.
I'll let you lick the lollipop." or "She go up and down
like a merry-go-round."
A little note about my 9/15/05 entry- I got an IM a few days ago
from a friend that said something like "Hey man, I read your
site. That really sucks about the yoo-hoo." It sounded like
this guy was genuinely sorry about my yoo-hoo problem.
Seriously, that's all he said about the update. So I went over to
his place to explain why it was funny to him, but he couldn't hear
me because he had headphones on. So I was like YOOHOO!!!! and I
karate-kicked a bottle of yoo-hoo at his nuts.
So I was on my way to my early morning physics class.. it was a
hot day but I didn't realize it before I got outside so I was walking
around in jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt. I passed by this vending
machine, and I saw they offered yoo-hoo. I was like man, I could
really go for an ice cold yoo-hoo right now. So I buy one, I reach
down to pick it up, and the freakin' yoo-hoo is HOT. Not a little
warm, but actually HOT. I'm sweating my ass off, and this vending
machine decides to crap out a steaming yoo-hoo into my hands. So
I throw the flaming yoo-hoo into my bookbag and head to class angry
and thirsty. By the end of class, the drink was still boiling, melting
its glass container.
Why do people feel the need to rush out of class so quickly when
it's over? Even at the mere SUGGESTION that class is over, people
start stampeding out of the room like wildebeests. If a teacher
says a phrase like "next class, we will-" forget it, everyone
is GONE. What the hell is the rush!? Today this girl in my aisle
gets up half a second after class is over, says "excuse me"
to me because I'm in her way. So I get up and as I reach over to
my bookbag to move it out of her path, and she PICKS IT UP HERSELF
and drops it under the desk! So I'm like "uhhh EXCUSE ME"
but she keeps walking. Then I say a little louder "HELLO?"
but she just ignores me. Finally I'm like "YOO-HOO!!!"
and I threw my scalding yoo-hoo at her and it melted her face off.
Looks like the only place she'll be rushing now is the BROOM CLOSET
cuz she looks like a WITCH. No need to worry about my backpack getting
in the way, now you can FLY over it, witch.
A few nights ago I'm going to take a shower, so I go to my room
to get my towel, clothes, etc... and I see my textbook lying on
my bed. I flip through it a little, and realize that one of my professors
mistakenly told us we had to read over 100 pages of the text when
really we only had to read 60 or so pages. I picked up my phone
to tell my friend in the class the good news, and I leave him a
voicemail: "Hey Henry, turns out we only have to read 60 pages
for the homework, the teacher made a mistake. Anyway I gotta get
back to my shower now!"
*click*
About two seconds later I realized how bizarre that must have sounded.
It sounded like I was thumbing through my textbook in the shower
and then I walked out stark-ass naked, picked up the phone, and
called him; "Hey man, we only have to read 60 pages. Later."
My roommate is nuts. He's always jumping around like he has a rabid
weasel in his pants. We'll just be walking around in public and
he'll yell out completely random crap at the top of his lungs. I'll
be on my way to class and he'll be like "POTATO PANCAKES!!!"
He's still a cool guy though. Anyway I gotta get back to my shower
now, later guys.
Well, I'm back in Albany for my third year.. kinda scary, college
is halfway
over. I'm really in no rush to finish school and enter the "real
world". I just shudder when I think of waking up early every
day, going to whatever job I will have, then going to sleep too
early to do anything fun because I'm so tired of working all day.
I mean, you finish school, you get a job.. and then you die. I
guess there's some stuff in-between all that, but I'm happy being
in school for now.
So speaking of jobs, I started my new job at the student helpdesk.
Opening weekend was insane, I'm new and don't know as much as my
more experienced co-workers, and I have to juggle phone calls, people
who walk in, and writing up reports all at the same time. And I
can't wear my work uniform outside of the helpdesk because people
WILL harrass me. While I was eating dinner I had one random guy
come up to me complaining about the CD the helpdesk gives to everyone
on campus..
"Hey.. you work for the helpdesk?"
*I look down at my shirt* "Uh.. yes?"
"The CD you gave me broke my computer! You better come fix
it!"
I'm sorry, the CD I gave you broke your computer? Yes, I
made that CD just for you. I put all the files on it.. in fact,
I even FORGED it from plastic myself. I MOLDED it for you.
Later that day my psych professor was late for class; I bet that
helpdesk CD that I personally constructed for everyone blew up her
computer. Then right in front of me was my friend Sarah.. and she
had a COLD, which she told me she contracted after staying up all
night by a drafty window, trying to get my helpdesk CD to work.
Oh and there was this other girl walking around on crutches, and
I felt terrible. I just KNEW it was because she slipped on one of
the helpdesk CDs that I sculpted for her.
Funny story: My friend Alison had tickets to this concert in central
park for months in advance, but her plans kept getting ruined by
people cancelling on her. At the last second I agree to come. So
she comes over my place, I'm being my usual slow self; we're already
running a little late. Instead of stopping at an ATM for money I
decide to return a game, which puts us behind schedule a little
more. Then I realized I left my camera at home. So I run back to
my house, run to my backyard.. and run straight into my door full
force. It felt like I broke my toe or something, but I'm like no
no, gotta walk it off, Alison's waiting... but after a few more
steps the pain in my toe got worse, so I take my shoe off and see
I messed it up pretty badly.
My brother was there at the moment, so I'm just like AHhHh what
do I do!? And then he starts LECTURING ME... I'm on the floor, clutching
my foot in agony and he starts telling me stuff like "You're
ALWAYS rushing! How can you be so stupid!? ALWAYS rushing!! STUPID!!!"
On the contrary though, I'm NEVER rushing. I'm the least likely
person to rush doing ANYTHING. With my brother, it's like no matter
what I do wrong, I'm ALWAYS doing it.
My mom used to lecture me at inappropriate times too, maybe that's
where he gets it from. When I was little and he'd pick on me and
shove me around, I'd be like MOM NELSON'S HITTING ME!!! And she'd
come over and yell JOSHUA HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO STAY
AWAY FROM NELSON!?
Anyway, I'm back in school a week early for some kinda training
for my new job. My new room is pretty cool. Well, except the commonroom
smells like vinegar, and there's a daycare outside my window so
screaming children will wake me up every morning.. *sigh*
Well, I've had this site for about three years now so I figured
it was time for a little change. I spent so much damn time working
on this layout the past week I don't have much content to update
with. Let's see.. I need a good story. Oh! Okay-
I have this friend who was making this new layout for his supercool
site, right.. He worked on it for a whoooole week, and when he was
finally done, he realized that his domain name targets default.htm
as the homepage, not main.htm or index.htm like he thought. Boy
was his face red! Ha ha.. then he had to stay up til 3 in the morning
and change every freakin' link on every page to go to "default.htm"
instead of "main.htm".. Ha ha ha!!!!!! Gosh if that ever
happened to me I think I'd have to SHOOT MYSELF.
So I'm finally quitting my computer-room job and moving on to bigger
and better things. I feel kind of bad that I didn't give them a
lot of warning so they could replace me. I just sort of walked in
one day and was like "Here's the headcount for the afternoon;
anyone wanna order Chinese? Cool, by the way, I quit... LATER
SUCKERS! HAHAHA!!!.. Here's five bucks get me some sesame chicken,
thanks."
Sweet mother of crap I'm SO BORED. I'm really starting to lose it
up here in Albany. I try to come up with something to do every night
but.. there's only so much I can do with so few people up here.
I did manage to make one new friend though.. and she bought me ice
cream!! Wow! But yeah, I want the fall semester to start already.
All you Harry Potter fans out there.. be very careful online if
you don't want Book 6 spoiled for you. There are a lot of people
out there trying to ruin it, slipping in spoilers when you least
expect it. You never know, you might be reading some entry on some
site and.. BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST! HE'S A GHOST THE WHOLE TIME
OMG!!!! Oh wait, wrong spoiler. But see? It could happen!!! Be careful!
If you read something you shouldn't.. electrocute yourself or run
into a brick wall, and hope you don't remember when you wake up.
I still haven't gotten a court date for that speeding ticket I got
a few weeks ago. What the heck am I supposed to do/say if the cop
changes his mind and decides not to help.. "Uh.. Well, you
see your honor... My foot was itching real bad, so I used the gas
pedal to scratch it.. AND MUFASA DIES IN THE LION KING!! HAHAHA
SPOILER!!!!"
So I went with my friend Anna to this Harry Potter party in a Barnes
& Noble in the city this past Friday. I felt like a huge geek
but hey, I was one of the first people to get the new book. There
were all sorts of whackos there dressed up as different Harry Potter
characters.. A friend of mine told me he should have come dressed
up as Bambi, and when he got up to the register, he would actually
buy Bambi.
Later
that weekend I went to Coldstone. Someone put a tip in the tip jar, and
all the workers started singing cheesy coldstone songs. I guess they
have to sing every time they're given a tip.. It was really annoying. I
think they would make more money if they sang ALL the time, and when
you gave them tips, they would have to stop singing.
Don't forget to check out the new update today, this one took awhile.
As I've mentioned before, my job in the school computer lab is mind-numbingly
boring; nothing ever happens. But orientations have started this
summer and twice a week, a huge group of incoming freshmen come
in to set up their email accounts, passwords, etc.. I look forward
to it every time because it's the only interesting thing that ever
happens at work. Anyway- funny story: there are a couple of orientation
assistants ("OA" for short) who are in charge of all the
kids that come in. There's this girl who's an OA that's always here
who's pretty friendly and talks to me sometimes.. So she comes in
the other day, waving at me. So I wave back. Then she's walking
closer, still waving. Closer. Closer. Still waving.. 'til eventually
she's so close I just high-five her. Then she's like "Oh, actually
I was just waving at Tom over there.. but okay." Man I don't
think I've ever felt so stupid. I'M SO AWKWARD.
Sorry for the long delay in updates. Class is finally over for the
summer.. so I'm in Albany just working now, and things will probably
get very boring. Speaking of work.. a couple of Fridays ago I come
into work, notice there's a consultant from the previous hour already
sitting in my chair. I get kind of annoyed but don't say anything,
I just sit a few seats away. I sign in, take out my book, and start
reading. An hour later my friend Lauren walks in and is like "Josh?
What are you doing here?"... and I respond "That girl's still sitting
in my chair." Then Lauren just looks at me for awhile and says "You
don't work on Friday". So I just stare at her, sigh, and sign out.
I sat at work for an hour on my day off.
I was home for a little while this past weekend.. and I found out
my friend Alison never saw the movie Office Space.. which is a movie
that almost everyone has seen, and is one of my favorite movies;
I restrained from freaking out though because EVERYONE does that
when you haven't seen a classic movie. They're all like "OH
MY GOD, YOU NEVER SAW OFFICE SPACE! WHAT!? SWEET MOTHER OF CRAP!"
Then they tell all their friends... "MOM! HEY MOM! ALISON NEVER
SAW OFFICE SPACE!!!"
I got my first speeding ticket a few days ago. Ugh. The cop was
kind of cool about it- he said he might help me out. When he asked
where I was going, I told him SUNY Albany.. so maybe he felt bad
that I was a broke student or something. I dunno. He also asked
if I knew why he stopped me..
"I guess I was speeding?"
"You were going 82."
I wonder what he would have said if I got the number right..
"Because I was going 82?"
"DINGDINGDING THAT'S CORRECT!!! YOU'RE FREE TO GO SIR!!!
Or maybe I should have said "My friend told me there was a bomb
in the car.. and that it'd go off if I went under 55!" And he would
have been like "What???" and I'd be like "YOU NEVER SAW SPEED!?
OH MY GOD! *picks up cellphone* MOM THIS GUY NEVER SAW SPEED!!"
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