I hate coming home for Spring Break because, aside from the fact that everyone is having a blast in freakin' California or Greece, we get a little ant problem on our second floor right around this time every year. It's like they know I'm coming home. Usually they invade our bathroom so I have to use our delapitated shower in the basement that I have to turn on with a wrench. This year they invaded my room... I don't know what's worse, getting naked in a room with a bunch of ants or sleeping with them.

I slept in my room for a total of two out of the ten days I was home. After the first night I had ants crawling on my laptop while I was using it... and after the second night I took a shower and I could have SWORN I saw an ant fall off me and into the drain!! Bugs crawling on me while I'm sleeping!? I admit I get a little more.. "perturbed" around insects than most, but I'm sure we can all agree that that shit is fucking creepy.

The worst part is my family is completely absurd about the whole situation. When I told my Mom about the infestation, she said something like "Oh there's just ants because your room is dusty." or "Well you have all that laundry on the floor"... ANTS DON'T EAT DUST OR LAUNDRY. I feel like my Mom is just trying to get me to do things she wants. "Oh, there's just ants because you only have a 3.0 GPA, and you have to tape American Idol for me."

Then we have my brother.. one of the most stubborn men alive. He refuses to believe there are ants in my room. A typical conversation would go something like this (my brother sounds like he swallowed a megaphone at birth so his voice is in all caps):

"THERE'S NO ANTS!"
"Yes there are."
"YOU'RE HALLUCINATING!"
"I just killed like five."
"NO ANTS!!!"
"Do you have the time?"
"NO ANTS!!!"

I swear he acts like it's some kind of fucking conspiracy... like I just found a UFO in my room or some shit. THERE'S NO ANTS! NONE! And then if he happens to be in the room while there are ants crawling on the wall.. he'll just kill them and say "NOW THERE'S NO MORE ANTS"... then we're back to step 1.

My dad is the only reasonable person in my house. He knows that the ants are there, and he understands that ants don't care that I didn't finish my math homework or do my laundry. The problem is he won't DO anything about it. He doesn't feel like getting an exterminator since I'll only be in my room for a week, and he's petrified of ant spray. I think last year when we sprayed some in my bathroom he would hold his breath any time he had to use it. What is the big deal? The stuff has to be approved by the FDA, it's not going to kill you if you spray a little on the window for two seconds. I'm beginning to suspect that my dad is actually an ant in disguise, like one of those things from Men in Black. Maybe that's what my brother is trying to cover up!

THERE'S NO ANTS!!!
DAD IS NOT AN ANT!!!