(newer jokes on top)
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and...............
The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"
The bear says, "I've had them all my life."
What do pigs put on cuts?
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a lil boogie in it.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor!?
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
If h20 is inside a fire hydrant.. what's on the outside?
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
What did the teacher say to the student who peed himself?
Where do one-legged people work?
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle names.
David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, "I
want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."
His agent replies "Sure! No hassle."
Calculus and alcohol don't mix.
Don't drink and derive.
Why did the robber take a shower before leaving?
Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
"Did you hear about that new movie, Constipated?"
"Oh, it didn't come out yet."
What do you call a chicken in the North Pole?
What's the most musical pet?
How's the tailor's business going?
What kind of sneakers do chickens wear?
What do you call a religious insect?
A praying mantis.
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup!?"
"I believe that's the backstroke."
Can I be your derivative? Cuz I wanna be tangent to all your curves.
What do you give a mouse that's having its period?
A mouse pad.
Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
Enough to break the ice! I'm Josh.
What does a dyslexic rabbi do?
Walks around saying "yo" all day.
"Did you hear about that actress who stabbed herself!? It was just on the news! Reese whatshername!"
"No, with a knife."
What do you call a cow with one leg missing?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
What do you call a cow that has sex with other cows of the same sex?
Why shouldn't you gamble in the jungle?
There are a lot of cheetahs.
Do you have holes in your pants? (no.)
Then how do you get your legs in?
Why do cats like computers?
Because it comes with a mouse.
Bad pickup line-
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
If the pilgrims were alive today, what would they best be known for?
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
What is a pirate's favorite band?
What do you say to 50 cent when he gives you a sweater?
Gee, you knit?
If you're American in the kitchen, and American in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom?
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Hey, did you get a haircut?
No, I got a lot of them cut.
What's red, and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.
This one is more of a horrible pickup line than a horrible joke-
Hey my friend wants to know if you think I'm cute.
What did the judge say to the skunk in the courtroom?
Odor in the court!
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' catholic.
What does Mozart do now that he's dead?
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's head when it hits a windshield?
What did the Dhali Lama say to the hot dog vender?
Make me one with everything.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why did the Mexican throw his wife out the window?
What kind of bee gives milk?
Why couldn't the melons have a baby?
Because they cantelope.
It's a good thing I brought my library card cuz i'ma checkin you out!
Hey baby, are you a parking ticket cuz you got fine written all over you.
What does Snoop Dog use to do his laundry?
What's big and grey, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
How many letters are in the alphabet?
24 because ET went home.
Hey, are you going to see the new pirate movie tomorrow? (What pirate movie?)
You know.. the one that's rated ARRR!!!
Why did the boy fall off the swing?
He had no arms.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.
Hey there's this butcher on springfield... He's about 5'11''... that's about 71 inches... guess what he weighs.
What did the lawyer wear to court?
Why did the moron bring a ruler to bed with him?
He wanted to see how long he slept.
What happened to the peanut in the dark alleyway?
It was... assaulted.
Hey... are you Jamaican? Because, JAMAICAN me crazy!
Ok, this blonde walks into a bar right, and she's like ow.
Hey, are those SPACE pants, cuz that ass is out of this world!
This horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
What kind of cheese is not your cheese?
What's orange, and sounds like a parrot?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?