(newer quotes on top)

"Sorry I'm late Josh, I borrowed your watch."

"I like coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folger's in my cup... I'm not sure I wanna wake up."

"The first thing Adam did was kill all the dinosaurs, fossilize them, and bury them."

"Welcome to our 'ool'. Notice there is no 'take a crap in it'. Please keep it that way."

"I like your train of thought.. it's just that.. my train is going in the opposite direction."

"Those four books are the best trilogy I have ever read."

"Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I"


"Procrastinators unite! ...Tomorrow!"

"Bad spellers... untie!"

"Pepto Bismol- The Breakfast of Champions."

"Picasso totally used Photoshop."

"I'm tired of PuertoRicans tryin' to act all Canadian."

"I feel really bad; when i was biking back to my apartment i ran over a tree frog... while it was in the tree."

"Insert ear plug entirely into ear canal. Once oxygen is cut off from the brain, you will cease hearing."

"Together we have one brain."

"Lets give Josh an emo name.. how about Josh spelled Joche."

"Hey hey- wrong attitude, yo. In fact, that's a BADitude."

"Wow Josh, you haven't played that since you were a little girl."

"Chartwells makes me cry poop."

"AOL has a NEW FEATURE that makes chatting easier! It's called: A Keyboard!!!"

"My favorite rapper is probably the guy at Macy's during Christmas time."

"Hey Josh, if you were a guy, what would you want for Christmas?"

"It feels like she stabbed me with a pencil... a pencil of EMOTION."

"You ever just stare at a wall and think... What would life be like without Bill Cosby? How would we know how to spell Jello?"

"If they took out the word 'nigger', this would be a silent movie."

"Man... I wouldn't have done so bad on that test if I hadn't gotten all those questions wrong!"

“On Halloween, for kids…. You know, bobbing for apples… we can have the apples in there… but we’ll also put piranhas."

"Aw you don't have to thank me- You've already paid me back with your wonderful company. And ten dollars cash money."

"They come in four sizes- Large, medium, small, and Albany dorm room."

"I always keep my computer off cuz I'm afraid it's gonna get stolen."

"Whoa man, take a chillaxitive."

"Dude, I drove all the way here by myself! With my Mom. Following my Dad.

"Close, but no cigar. Cuz you're an asthmatic."

"Party at Shawn's? A weekend at your grandmother's is more daring and intense."

"You know they have the internet on computers now?"

"You're writing a resume Josh? Here's what you should do... open up Microsoft Word, click on 'new document', then hit 'print'."

"I'm out like a fat kid playing dodgeball."

"I'm out like you in a beauty contest."

"Only two people liked that movie Josh- You and your gay ass."

"Directions? Well, first- come to my house. Then- I'll call Daddy. Then we'll take my pony there!"

"There's no "I" in "Team". But there's an "M"! For ME!!!"

"What's up with the windows in that house... it's like 'Damn we ran out of glass? Well how about we just put up... I don't know, bricks, we have plenty of those. Can we paint them clear maybe? No? Oh well."

"Josh, if I were fencing you for real, my foil would be through your vagina and out your ass."

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am..."

"He has so many gaps in his teeth.. it looks like his tongue's in jail."

"We'd be really good at this game if... we weren't bad at it."

"Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way."

"Josh, Smirnoff Ice is like water... only less alcoholic. Mothers put smirnoff in their baby's milk if it's too hard to digest.

"Hey Steve, can you melt me a CD?"

"Don't you find it ironic that we have an AIDS awareness ad posted up in a C++ class? Cuz, you know, everyone here is having sex. Especially.. Melvin, and.. uh.. Norbert."

"Hey, my face bleeds less when I shave now!"

"Rap violence reached new heights today when artist fifty cent was cut into quarters"

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle please be neat and wipe the seat."

"9AM in the morning? Or at night?"

"I'm the one who took this freakin picture! I can't believe I'm not in it!"



"Wow... usually you're not full til you finish the buffet.

"School supplies? Here's a napkin and a pin. Prick your finger and write with your blood."

"I really think you should take a natural science... you know, so when you fail as a musician, you can fall back on your PHD in genetics."

"The most suspensful part of the movie was when I dropped my popcorn."

"He's illegally breaking the law."

"Hasta mas tarde. Baby."

"Wow... this street is so smooth! It's like rollerblading on a baby's ass!"

"Your opinion is wrong."

"I have a shitload of fuck to do."


"Q: How many DBZ characters does it take to screw in lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes three episodes."

"Don't you know that JOSH stands for Jubelant Ostrich Sex-Hooker!?

"Look! A flying bird!!!"

"Three out of four dentists prefer Christ. I mean, Crest."

"Hey did you hear- when Bush takes over Iraq, he's going to divide it into three parts. Regular, premium and unleaded."

"If you cannot hear this announcement, please notify the Principal's office."

"This is Mr. Cardoz- er, Mr. Hallman."

"She could put viagra out of business."

"All he has to do is provide a legitimate forged absence note."

"I especially enjoyed the part where the sound came out of the instruments."

"He's such an ass!!! Hole, that is."

"But if she doesn't go... she won't BE there!"

"NO U BORKED TEH DOR!!!111 TAHTS BS!~!`1"

"You got lotion!?"

"Hey did you guys see the powerpuff girl movie!? ...No? Oh. Me neither."

"You know what I do when I have a stomach ache, Josh? I eat chocolate layer cake. And other dairy products."

"Off-target on the Josh!"

"Holla front!!!"

"Amazing XCAM2! For all you perverted stalkers out there!"

"I don't want water, I'm just thirsty."

"Who here's been peppercorn helmet diving? ...Oh, no one but me? Well that's a shame it's rather fun."

"Ohh, I read 'pepper and corn helmet driving'. I pictured you in a land rover driving over corn fields."

"Werd up yo dog homie g^2"

"Mango juice!"

"Yo tengo regalos para ti en mi... saco magico!"
"Josh, I think your parents raised you to be gay."

"Mild sauce!? I wash my EYES with mild sauce!"
"I know I am but what are YOU!? Wait..."